It's not, it's... [ it's a lot. knowing his short time with them had such an impact, that his short time with Caleb had such an impact. with his hand still in Caleb's, Molly lowers himself down onto the library floor with a shaky breath and bring his free hand to his face. they would hold him so close even after everything? even after─ ]
I'm not sure I deserve it.
[ his memories of that life, of his death and everything that followed, are a kaleidoscope of blurry images and voices and feelings. Molly has been doing his best to bottle them all up and bury them deep, for what use does he have for the experiences of that bastard? but some things come back up regardless, haunting his dreams on those nights he hasn't fallen into bed with someone.
those horrible memories of being a passenger in a body that once belonged to him, watching helpless as he struck down those he loved more than himself. his hands soaked in their blood. ]
[It's Caleb, for once, who threads their fingers together and steps closer, into Molly's personal space. He searches the other's face for clues as to what's causing this response, his own expression troubled. It's one thing to dodge responsibility, but this seems like a level of self-deprecation that he just doesn't expect from Mollymauk.]
...I told you, you...changed us. All of us. Simply by the example you set for us to live by. It's only fitting to...remember that. ['Memorialize' was the first word he was going to choose, but it just doesn't feel right to call it that when the living person is here in front of him now.]
[ Caleb laces their fingers together and Molly can't help but cling to him, his singular lifeline in a sea of guilt for something he didn't do but felt responsible for anyway. it wasn't Molly who struck down his friends, wasn't Molly who speared Jester with his wing, wasn't Molly who stabbed Caleb in his chest and stomach. it wasn't him then and it isn't him now, he shouldn't be carrying that guilt and yet...
just as Caleb worried about the person he was, the person he could become, Molly fears the parts of Lucien that might be in him. ]
I'm glad, really. That I managed to leave you lot better than I found you but... [ he laughs and the sound is almost pitiful. ] For all the good I did my bullshit hurt you, all of you. I'm not him, I'm not some asshole trying to take over the world or whatever the fuck that bastard was trying to do. But I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified, that part of him is still in here.
[ his eyes sting with tears Molly refuses to let fall, the dam all but shattered in the face of the love they bore him─ that Caleb clearly bore him. ]
I don't... I don't want to watch myself kill the people I love again. I don't want to watch you die again.
[Caleb listens patiently, quietly, and as he does, understanding begins to sink in. He really had considered Mollymauk, Lucien, and Kingsley to be entirely separate people...enough so that he hadn't entertained any thoughts that Molly might have their memories in addition to his own.
But when they fought Lucien, they'd been able to slow him down by calling out to Mollymauk. He'd helped them, fought from the inside to slow Lucien down and disrupt him. He'd been in there, in some capacity. So it makes sense that, now reborn into another life, he still has some of those memories tangled up with his own.
He pulls Molly into a tight embrace.]
You won't. You won't, Mollymauk. Because even at your weakest, even when he had all that ancient power inside him, you still fought him for us. You still saved us. I remember that too. You are not him.
[ gods he wants to believe it, wants so desperately to believe those extra memories wont in some way taint him─ if they haven't already. he remembers some of those terrible months under his adoptive "parents" care, nights where the smell of blood filled his nose and his thoughts turned dark. darker than anything Mollymauk thought himself capable of. was that his influence? the devil on his shoulder urging him to coat his hands in blood.
Molly's pulled in to a hug, his body tensing for half a breath before he sinks into the embrace, wrapping his arms around the wizard's waist, clinging tightly onto his clothes. he presses his face into the crook of Caleb's neck, breathing in shakily; he smells of cinnamon and ink, of safety and home. ]
I'm sorry. [ he doesn't have anything to apologize for but he does it anyway. apologises for not being able to do more, for leaving them heartbroken for so damn long, for every wasted opportunity. ] I'm sorry, I'm a mess.
[It's so absurd that he can't help but laugh softly, even as he holds Molly tucked against himself, rubs his back soothingly, eases away the tension as well as he can. His voice is barely above a murmur, just for the two of them, even though there's no way they could possibly be overheard here.]
Hush, now, why would you ever apologize for that? Are we or are we not the Mighty Nein?
[there are only two of them, but inaccurate counting has never slowed them down yet]
[ Molly can't help but be swept up in the soothing hand rubbing his back and the soft laugh brushing against his horns. just the man's presence is enough to pull him from his pit of fear and paranoia, bringing him back up into the warmth of the sun. ]
When did you get so good at this? [ his grip on Caleb's clothes loosens but Molly doesn't pull away from the hug, distantly he remembers the whole reason Caleb asked him to come over that there's still more of this brilliant tower for the wizard to show him─ but he's comfortable in the man's arms, warm. ] Whoever taught you how to take care of people must have been real talented and incredibly handsome.
[Caleb doesn't pull back either. This is comfortable, and the tower will be here. As much as he denies himself for so many reasons, he's a person who craves this kind of contact and comfort, so he's not eager to leave it now that they're here.
And with that compliment he's feeling just a little bold, so...he'll brush a little of Molly's hair out of his eyes and lean in to place a barely-there kiss on his forehead. Returning a tiny kindness that meant so much once upon a time.]
[ he feels it on his forehead, that gentle brush of a lips against skin. it burns like a brand and Molly feels himself breathing in sharply. he remembers that tiny kindness, it was the first thing he remembered when he saw Caleb's face on the network. it was done in the spur of the moment, a gentle apology for having slapped the man from his stupor a mere breath before and Caleb returning that kindness now? it tugs at things in his chest the tiefling is scared to name. ]
'Course you do, what with that brilliantly sexy brain of yours.
[ taking a breath he pulls away a fraction, fingers not quite unhooking from the other man's clothing, eyes searching Caleb's face. he's so terribly handsome without that layer of dirt the man had often smeared himself with─ he was handsome with the dirt, being clean only magnified that handsomeness ten fold. add in his good heart and that magnificent mind of his and it's just unfair, how is Molly supposed to think straight like this? how is he supposed to be good, keep his hands to himself and not─ ]
[It's not that he doesn't want to. He's decided this is a thing he wants, or...a thing he will want? That it's where they're going and he's going to actively tread toward that path.
Why does it still feel like it's too soon? Is he just being a coward? Is he denying them for no reason? He has to find a way to put this hesitation into words, or it's just going to be hurting Molly, and that's the last thing he wants to do, especially now.]
I want to comfort you. And I do...want to kiss you. But...I want those to be different things. I... [He swallows hard, eyes wandering away from Molly's not out of shame but because it is just impossible to think with that thread of intimate focus pulled so tight between them.] Can you still be patient with me, if I want it to be some other moment? A happier one?
[They can reach for each other in the darkness without it being a romance. Caleb wants love to be more than just holding onto a person who he doesn't want to leave.]
[ Molly laughs just a little too quickly. shit, he did say that out loud and now he feels more than a little foolish. he detaches himself from Caleb then, trying not to think about the warmth in his cheeks or how his skin is most definitely darkening with embarrassment. ]
Hey, no, that's fine really. Sorry, my foot went directly into my mouth and I wasn't thinking. [ he was thinking, just about how much he wants to kiss the man rather than keeping those thoughts under lock and key. the last thing he wants is for Caleb to feel pressured into anything. ] Didn't think I said that out loud but here we are, haha.
[ he runs a hand through his hair, scratching at his scalp. Caleb wants to kiss him, wants it to mean something more than just a spur of the moment thing. it's exciting and terrifying at the same time, his pulse practically roaring in his veins. ]
[The blushing is really cute, and the moment Molly backs off and admits that even he didn't really mean to go that far, Caleb is instantly relieved. Setting his boundaries for his own comfort is necessary, but he really doesn't want to hurt Molly in the process.
Admitting that he's interested in more than a fling might have been a step in the right direction. Caleb just can't bring himself to do casual or short-term relationships.]
We do, at that. [He clears his throat and gets up, straightening his clothes a little and feeling the heat in his own skin. Someday it will be the right moment. He's going to work through his feelings as quickly as he can, for both their sakes.] The dining room and kitchens are on the fourth floor, and the next few after that are the bedroom suites. [He tilts his head, considering.] ...There was one for each of us, but...I don't know if it will have manifested one for you already, or if I'll need to design that manually.
[ there is little he could really do to hurt Molly, it is important that the boundaries set are there and are respected. he's free with his physical affections when it comes to the people he cares about, but he is not the kind of man who will break any boundaries that are placed.
he won't admit, not out loud at least, that Molly wished for something more than a fling. he has enjoyed, and is still enjoying, his fair share of flings but when it comes to Caleb? he wants more than to just come together and indulge in each other. he wants to hold him, fall asleep in his arms, wake up with a face full of cat and listen to the sound of his heartbeat.
it's exhilarating feeling, terrifying, and ever growing. ]
You made a room for everyone? [ there's something about that that hits home, makes his chest ache. ] We don't have to see them all today, but... [ maybe if he sees the rooms Caleb made for them he'll remember bits of them, the people he loved and still loves. ]
[He reaches for Molly's hand again with a smile, and sets them to rising into the air once again. The fourth floor is relatively unremarkable, a nine-sided landing area with one dramatically large set of carved wooden doors in one room. Caleb explains as they float upward:]
The dining room is through those doors. We can see it later, there's enough room for all of us and guests. The kitchens are on this floor too - you can watch the cats work if you like. They can travel to any level of the tower, but this is their...home base, if you like.
[He doesn't stop them here, instead continuing up to the landing of the fifth floor. It's small, with the same nine walls as every level; there are three evenly-spaced doors around the circle. One is decorated with a scarab beetle, one with lilacs, and the third is plain.]
...Ah, well. [He gestures to the door with the beetle.] That one isn't anyone you'd know...Caduceus was a healer we encountered when we were looking for help after...afterward. But the room with the lilacs is Yasha's. The other was a guest room, and I suppose it probably still is. I'll have to convert it once I know what you'd like to have.
[ their hands join again and Molly feels some of the tension drain from his shoulders, feels like he can breathe a little better. he laces their fingers together as they continue on moving from the library up to the fourth floor and Caleb explains the dining room and kitchen area. it charms him terribly that Caleb filled his magically wizard tower with cats that cook and clean and whatever else they do.
they continue up to the fifth floor and the moment his feet land on something solid Molly lets out a breath of relief. it's an odd sensation floating like that and it makes his stomach flip more than it already has been.
but he ignores the flips his stomach had been doing the moment his eyes fall on the door with the lilacs. that's Yasha's, he knew that was Yasha's before Calebe said it. remembers picking flowers with her one warm summer nights and braiding them into her hair. ]
If he's got his own room he must be a good guy. [ Molly's grip on Caleb's hand tightens a little, but his gaze still locked on the door to Yasha's room. ] You wouldn't make a personal room for just anyone.
[ it almost flies completely over his head that Caleb says he'll convert the guest room into a room for Mollymauk, almost. he blinks and jerks his gaze to the wizard, blinking a rapidly for a few seconds. ]
Oh, as long as the bed is big and comfy I'll be thrilled with anything you come up with. Surprise me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'm not sure I deserve it.
[ his memories of that life, of his death and everything that followed, are a kaleidoscope of blurry images and voices and feelings. Molly has been doing his best to bottle them all up and bury them deep, for what use does he have for the experiences of that bastard? but some things come back up regardless, haunting his dreams on those nights he hasn't fallen into bed with someone.
those horrible memories of being a passenger in a body that once belonged to him, watching helpless as he struck down those he loved more than himself. his hands soaked in their blood. ]
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[It's Caleb, for once, who threads their fingers together and steps closer, into Molly's personal space. He searches the other's face for clues as to what's causing this response, his own expression troubled. It's one thing to dodge responsibility, but this seems like a level of self-deprecation that he just doesn't expect from Mollymauk.]
...I told you, you...changed us. All of us. Simply by the example you set for us to live by. It's only fitting to...remember that. ['Memorialize' was the first word he was going to choose, but it just doesn't feel right to call it that when the living person is here in front of him now.]
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just as Caleb worried about the person he was, the person he could become, Molly fears the parts of Lucien that might be in him. ]
I'm glad, really. That I managed to leave you lot better than I found you but... [ he laughs and the sound is almost pitiful. ] For all the good I did my bullshit hurt you, all of you. I'm not him, I'm not some asshole trying to take over the world or whatever the fuck that bastard was trying to do. But I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified, that part of him is still in here.
[ his eyes sting with tears Molly refuses to let fall, the dam all but shattered in the face of the love they bore him─ that Caleb clearly bore him. ]
I don't... I don't want to watch myself kill the people I love again. I don't want to watch you die again.
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But when they fought Lucien, they'd been able to slow him down by calling out to Mollymauk. He'd helped them, fought from the inside to slow Lucien down and disrupt him. He'd been in there, in some capacity. So it makes sense that, now reborn into another life, he still has some of those memories tangled up with his own.
He pulls Molly into a tight embrace.]
You won't. You won't, Mollymauk. Because even at your weakest, even when he had all that ancient power inside him, you still fought him for us. You still saved us. I remember that too. You are not him.
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Molly's pulled in to a hug, his body tensing for half a breath before he sinks into the embrace, wrapping his arms around the wizard's waist, clinging tightly onto his clothes. he presses his face into the crook of Caleb's neck, breathing in shakily; he smells of cinnamon and ink, of safety and home. ]
I'm sorry. [ he doesn't have anything to apologize for but he does it anyway. apologises for not being able to do more, for leaving them heartbroken for so damn long, for every wasted opportunity. ] I'm sorry, I'm a mess.
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[It's so absurd that he can't help but laugh softly, even as he holds Molly tucked against himself, rubs his back soothingly, eases away the tension as well as he can. His voice is barely above a murmur, just for the two of them, even though there's no way they could possibly be overheard here.]
Hush, now, why would you ever apologize for that? Are we or are we not the Mighty Nein?
[there are only two of them, but inaccurate counting has never slowed them down yet]
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[ Molly can't help but be swept up in the soothing hand rubbing his back and the soft laugh brushing against his horns. just the man's presence is enough to pull him from his pit of fear and paranoia, bringing him back up into the warmth of the sun. ]
When did you get so good at this? [ his grip on Caleb's clothes loosens but Molly doesn't pull away from the hug, distantly he remembers the whole reason Caleb asked him to come over that there's still more of this brilliant tower for the wizard to show him─ but he's comfortable in the man's arms, warm. ] Whoever taught you how to take care of people must have been real talented and incredibly handsome.
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[Caleb doesn't pull back either. This is comfortable, and the tower will be here. As much as he denies himself for so many reasons, he's a person who craves this kind of contact and comfort, so he's not eager to leave it now that they're here.
And with that compliment he's feeling just a little bold, so...he'll brush a little of Molly's hair out of his eyes and lean in to place a barely-there kiss on his forehead. Returning a tiny kindness that meant so much once upon a time.]
And I do learn quickly, you know.
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'Course you do, what with that brilliantly sexy brain of yours.
[ taking a breath he pulls away a fraction, fingers not quite unhooking from the other man's clothing, eyes searching Caleb's face. he's so terribly handsome without that layer of dirt the man had often smeared himself with─ he was handsome with the dirt, being clean only magnified that handsomeness ten fold. add in his good heart and that magnificent mind of his and it's just unfair, how is Molly supposed to think straight like this? how is he supposed to be good, keep his hands to himself and not─ ]
Gods, I want to kiss you right now.
[ ...did he say that out loud? ]
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[It's not that he doesn't want to. He's decided this is a thing he wants, or...a thing he will want? That it's where they're going and he's going to actively tread toward that path.
Why does it still feel like it's too soon? Is he just being a coward? Is he denying them for no reason? He has to find a way to put this hesitation into words, or it's just going to be hurting Molly, and that's the last thing he wants to do, especially now.]
I want to comfort you. And I do...want to kiss you. But...I want those to be different things. I... [He swallows hard, eyes wandering away from Molly's not out of shame but because it is just impossible to think with that thread of intimate focus pulled so tight between them.] Can you still be patient with me, if I want it to be some other moment? A happier one?
[They can reach for each other in the darkness without it being a romance. Caleb wants love to be more than just holding onto a person who he doesn't want to leave.]
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Hey, no, that's fine really. Sorry, my foot went directly into my mouth and I wasn't thinking. [ he was thinking, just about how much he wants to kiss the man rather than keeping those thoughts under lock and key. the last thing he wants is for Caleb to feel pressured into anything. ] Didn't think I said that out loud but here we are, haha.
[ he runs a hand through his hair, scratching at his scalp. Caleb wants to kiss him, wants it to mean something more than just a spur of the moment thing. it's exciting and terrifying at the same time, his pulse practically roaring in his veins. ]
We've still got some more tower to see, right?
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Admitting that he's interested in more than a fling might have been a step in the right direction. Caleb just can't bring himself to do casual or short-term relationships.]
We do, at that. [He clears his throat and gets up, straightening his clothes a little and feeling the heat in his own skin. Someday it will be the right moment. He's going to work through his feelings as quickly as he can, for both their sakes.] The dining room and kitchens are on the fourth floor, and the next few after that are the bedroom suites. [He tilts his head, considering.] ...There was one for each of us, but...I don't know if it will have manifested one for you already, or if I'll need to design that manually.
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he won't admit, not out loud at least, that Molly wished for something more than a fling. he has enjoyed, and is still enjoying, his fair share of flings but when it comes to Caleb? he wants more than to just come together and indulge in each other. he wants to hold him, fall asleep in his arms, wake up with a face full of cat and listen to the sound of his heartbeat.
it's exhilarating feeling, terrifying, and ever growing. ]
You made a room for everyone? [ there's something about that that hits home, makes his chest ache. ] We don't have to see them all today, but... [ maybe if he sees the rooms Caleb made for them he'll remember bits of them, the people he loved and still loves. ]
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[He reaches for Molly's hand again with a smile, and sets them to rising into the air once again. The fourth floor is relatively unremarkable, a nine-sided landing area with one dramatically large set of carved wooden doors in one room. Caleb explains as they float upward:]
The dining room is through those doors. We can see it later, there's enough room for all of us and guests. The kitchens are on this floor too - you can watch the cats work if you like. They can travel to any level of the tower, but this is their...home base, if you like.
[He doesn't stop them here, instead continuing up to the landing of the fifth floor. It's small, with the same nine walls as every level; there are three evenly-spaced doors around the circle. One is decorated with a scarab beetle, one with lilacs, and the third is plain.]
...Ah, well. [He gestures to the door with the beetle.] That one isn't anyone you'd know...Caduceus was a healer we encountered when we were looking for help after...afterward. But the room with the lilacs is Yasha's. The other was a guest room, and I suppose it probably still is. I'll have to convert it once I know what you'd like to have.
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they continue up to the fifth floor and the moment his feet land on something solid Molly lets out a breath of relief. it's an odd sensation floating like that and it makes his stomach flip more than it already has been.
but he ignores the flips his stomach had been doing the moment his eyes fall on the door with the lilacs. that's Yasha's, he knew that was Yasha's before Calebe said it. remembers picking flowers with her one warm summer nights and braiding them into her hair. ]
If he's got his own room he must be a good guy. [ Molly's grip on Caleb's hand tightens a little, but his gaze still locked on the door to Yasha's room. ] You wouldn't make a personal room for just anyone.
[ it almost flies completely over his head that Caleb says he'll convert the guest room into a room for Mollymauk, almost. he blinks and jerks his gaze to the wizard, blinking a rapidly for a few seconds. ]
Oh, as long as the bed is big and comfy I'll be thrilled with anything you come up with. Surprise me.